01- The Death of a Bachelor- A Serious Play for Trivial People
by Fahiru
Summary: There are few things more wonderful than finding someone to laugh at the world with, unless you have the misfortune of finding that your partner is absolutely serious. A criticism of the relationship between Algernon and Cecily written for [Twelve Shots of Summer] '17.


**The Death of a Bachelor: A Serious Play for Trivial People**

 **By Fahiru**

 **CAST:**

 **ALGERNON/ERNEST MONCRIEFF:** Our Protagonist, struggling Dandy, engaged to **CECILY**.

 **LANE:** Manservant

 **CECILY CARDEW:** Our Antagonist, engaged to **ALGERNON**.

 **VARIOUS SERVANTS:** Self-explanatory.

 **MENTIONED:**

 **JACK/ERNEST WORTHING: CECILY** 's guardian, recently married.

* * *

[ _Open scene on_ **ALGERNON** ' _s flat._ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** _are traversing the room with purposeful stride, often colliding with one another, picking up couches, armoires, general items of furniture, etc., painstakingly shuffling them about before setting them down to another place in the room._ **LANE** _is directing them, reading off of a sheet of paper. There is a bottle of champagne that migrates from surface to surface throughout the scene as it gets in the way of the furniture arrangement. A scale is being played out on the piano in the next room with measured sluggishness and no precision._ ]

 **LANE:** ( _Reading from the paper_ ) "The side table should be placed in the northernmost corner while the bureau is being centered across from the window. Be sure not to forget the mirror by the desk as it should reflect the room from every available angle."

( _The piano scales in the next room end loudly and without resolution._ **ALGERNON** _enters, dusting off his hands._ )

 **ALGERNON:** Now that that's done - ( _sees the purposeful and pointless activity surrounding him_ ) I say, Lane, I'd no idea you had so little respect for me as to play along. Shouldn't you have lost the instructions while I wasn't looking?

 **LANE:** ( _Setting the instructions sheet aside_ ) I hadn't the nerve, sir, I've been too pleased with the whole affair.

( **ALGERNON** _nods with approval and goes to sit on the sofa right as the_ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** _go to move it. They look to_ **LANE** _for help, but he goes to the bottle of champagne and examines the label._ )

 **ALGERNON:** Yes, it's all rather splendid, having your future sunk in paper and ink right before you. Of course, I'd be more content if I were only sure what I know will happen MIGHT happen. It's tricky business, these permanent engagements. You can never be sure if people mean until they die or until they forget, or if you mean so until you forget. Then it's all terribly unpleasant - until you forget again.

( **VARIOUS SERVANTS** _give up on waiting for_ **ALGERNON** _and go to move the desk._ **ALGERNON** _gets up and falls right into step behind them. He sits slightly off-center on the desk's lid right as the_ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** _attempt to lift it, causing the whole thing to topple over._ **ALGERNON** _lands on his feet as the rest fall down and the desk loses a leg_.)

 **LANE:** ( _Stepping over the_ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** ) I never recall in the first place- it causes head-colds. Champagne?

 **ALGERNON:** I couldn't. A man can't complain with half as much spirit while drowning in it, and he can't complain of misplaced and stolen spirit while aiding in its consumption. No, I'd better leave it to you so I may sleep sounder in misery later on.

 **LANE:** ( _Pouring a glass_ ) I always thought you dreadfully shameless while influenced, sir. You get awfully amiable and keep forgetting to ignore your responsibilities.

 **ALGERNON:** Precisely. I'm not fit to be seen in decent company and miss out on a great deal of fun. Speaking of fun, this hasn't worked out at all like you promised.

 **LANE:** Oh?

 **ALGERNON:** I've only moved once and already they've given up. We'll need a crew with a better work ethic if I'm ever to get good mobile use of this furniture, I was hoping to imagine the armoire a sarcophagus before I threw it out. Cecily doesn't like its shape.

 **LANE:** ( _To the_ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** ) You may leave.

( _Exit_ **VARIOUS SERVANTS** )

 **ALGERNON:** Well, it's on to the next game, then. How many bottles left in the cellar?

 **LANE:** Twenty-two, sir. ( _Glances at the bottle in his hand and pauses_ ) Twenty-one.

 **ALGERNON: (** _Whistles_ ) Too many for decency, too few for any good. I say, I'll have Ernest over for a glass, and that will clear them out.

 **LANE:** Between just the three of us, sir?

 **ALGERNON:** The two of you. You can hold your own and Ernest is a proper gentleman with drinks - it only takes a glass or so before he loses that dignity and starts raging about stock prices. Ranting makes Ernest so much simpler to look down upon and all the more easy to like.

 **LANE:** It hasn't taken even a glass to cure Mr. Worthing's solemnity since he's been married, though I warrant it will take a good deal more to coax any sort of disturbance in his mood.

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Pausing to frown_ ) You're right. I had quite forgotten that he...( _Trails off and begins to inspect the mirror_ ) I say, this is quite a good glass. Shame I didn't think to say so before. Cecily doesn't care for this one, though I've forgotten why.

 **LANE:** Did you not plan to simply store them in the attic after putting on a grand display of parting?

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Stiffens_ ) Of course - I - well, I thought I should at least talk as though - well, marriage isn't so serious a business that I should need to keep these old things -

 **LANE:** Sir.

 **ALGERNON:** Ah - erm - yes?

 **LANE:** Sir, I require that you sign for my final wages by Tuesday.

 **ALGERNON:** Well, certainly, I -

 **LANE:** Sir.

 **ALGERNON:** Yes? What is it?

 **LANE:** It won't be all bad.

 **ALGERNON:** ( _A pause_.) I know, Lane. ( **LANE** _bows and exits, leaving champagne on a side table_ ) I know.

( **ALGERNON** _goes to the sofa, picks up the champagne bottle, puts it down, and goes back to look in the mirror. His clothing, though loudly coloured, is clean cut and perfectly in place. He plucks at his sleeves a bit and starts to flash a sarcastic grin at his reflection before spotting the armoire reflected over his shoulder. He goes to open its doors and examine its empty interior._ )

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Muttering_ ) once lost, soon filled - ( _stepping up into the armoire before turning to face the audience_ ) new name, new life...

( _He crosses his arms and looks skeptically about his surroundings_ )

 **ALGERNON:** Real, real, it's all real. How inconsiderate.

( _He covers his eyes with one hand and mutters a bit more before removing it, a careless smile plastered back onto his face_.)

 **ALGERNON:** A good deal of fun it'll be, if I don't forget. After all, there's no end to what Cecily -

( **LANE** _reenters_ , **ALGERNON** _starts_.)

 **LANE:** Miss Cardew's been by sir, she left a message.

 **ALGERNON:** Cecily? Goodness, why didn't the little dear just come on up? She knew I'd be in today.

 **LANE:** She didn't seem to have time, sir, and with all the practice you've given me I still couldn't comprehend her explanation. Only said you would understand that one or two were in order if you ever wanted things to work out.

 **ALGERNON:** Work out? Why, I can't say - ( _pauses_ ) - oh. I see. She's calling it off.

 **LANE:** Calling it off, Sir?

 **ALGERNON:** Only until I've gotten my hopes up. I don't think she can be happily married unless I'm left a bit on edge.

 **LANE:** I see.

 **ALGERNON:** It's a bit unfair.

 **LANE:** Happiness usually is.

 **ALGERNON:** But for Cecily, I - well -

( **LANE** _straightens up and walks to the door. He leans over and presses his ear to the keyhole_.)

 **ALGERNON:** Lane, whatever is this? Is it the new fashion for manservants to listen with their backs turned?

( **LANE** _holds up a finger to quiet him and goes on listening to the door for a moment or so before straightening up._ )

 **LANE:** Well, you're free then, sir.

 **ALGERNON:** I - what?

 **LANE:** Free. She doesn't want you as you are now.

 **ALGERNON:** Who? ( _Realizes_ ) Cecily. Cecily! ( _Runs to call out the door_ ) dearest, come back!

( **ALGERNON** _Opens the door, but does not move past it. He hesitates before calling from where he stands_ )

 **ALGERNON:** You know I'll never humor you when you're here, I swear I won't! Darling, please!

( **LANE** _goes to sit on the sofa while_ **ALGERNON** _slowly turns and trudges back to him, frowning_.)

 **LANE:** That's that I suppose, Young people fall out of love so quickly these days.

( **ALGERNON** _stiffens and rushes to the window, tripping slightly before tearing the curtains aside to look out the window_.)

 **ALGERNON:** She's - she - it's not - but wh-what -

 **LANE:** My condolences, sir. Champagne?

( **ALGERNON** _looks at him a moment before slowly crossing back over to the sofa and taking the offered bottle from LANE. He looks at the label a moment before a taking a drink straight from the bottle._ )

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Wiping his mouth.)_ That's a bachelor's champagne, to be certain.

 **LANE:** Of course. I did tell you that married people tend to indulge in cheaper brands, but this is a drink you won't meet again.

( **ALGERNON** _takes another drink and coughs, splattering half a mouthful of expensive wine over LANE and himself_.)

 **LANE:** Perhaps this meeting was enough.

( **LANE** _takes the champagne back from_ **ALGERNON**.)

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Suddenly cheerful_ ) I'd forgotten, it's only been twice now. ( _Gets up and goes to the coatrack by the door_ ) Well, I ought to kick up a fuss or something before tea so she can forgive me in time for the ceremony this evening. That's quite a crunch, but I should be able to manage. ( _Starts to put on his coat, pauses, looks back at_ **LANE** ) I say, do you think I should act more distraught?

 **LANE:** If you think acting will make you seem less so, then maybe it will cover enough to make you appealing again. I say, you'd better either make a show of drunkenness to hide your relief or run off to France so she knows you mean business.

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Shaking his head_ ) It's no good with Cecily - she always means business. She doesn't care if it's off-colour or over a cliff, that's what she wants, there she goes.

 **LANE:** I'd always thought her too fashionable to have such brains.

 **ALGERNON:** She's got too much wit to be fashionable. She's a darling little fool and I expect to die at a ripe young age because of it. It's the only sort of death she'd allow me.

 **LANE:** I think she would rather you die of a broken heart before she can give you the pre-scripted reunion. She'll be rather cross with you is you don't.

 **ALGERNON:** I was hoping she only meant to leave me at the alter before calling me away to elope a week later. I don't know which, but she wants me to guess and play along while still being surprised. I know either way I need to hold a decent grudge, so as not to disappoint her.

 **LANE:**...It isn't any fun, is it?

 **ALGERNON:** ( _A smirk, a pause, then-_ ) No. I've never been so frightened in my life.

( **LANE** _hands him the bottle_. **ALGERNON** _Takes another drink before siting back down beside_ **LANE**. _He starts to peel the label off the bottle before he begins again-_ )

 **ALGERNON:** I never thought much in this world could be more frightening than a decent marriage, but now -

 **LANE:** You're an old man already.

 **ALGERNON: (** _Pained_ ) I do prefer the comfort of shocking others first.

 **LANE:** That's all we ever hope to do, if we're ever to improve the world.

 **ALGERNON:** I'd rather grow old and complain than improve it. I'd rather be in on the jokes than stick around to cure them.

 **LANE: (** _Getting up_.) I would leave you too, if I weren't leaving already. Sincerity is always in poor taste.

( **ALGERNON** _watches him go before setting down the bottle again and walking over to the looking glass. He straightens his collar and readjusts his sleeves, sees that he is still wearing his overcoat and begins to remove it. He holds it out and examines the material._ )

 **ALGERNON:** Real. ( _He swats at the overcoat sleeves so that they swing about_ ) Real. ( _Tosses the coat aside and turns back to the mirror as he begins to prod at his face_ ) Real, real -

( _He pokes the perfectly coifed curls on his forehead before tugging at them and eventually ruffling up all of his hair with agitated vigor_.)

 **ALGERNON:** Real, real real real REAL -

( _He tears at his collar and vest, throwing them aside before smashing his hand against the mirror. He gives a frustrated yelp and pulls back. Cradling his barely bruised hand,_ **ALGERNON** _goes to sit on the floor of the empty armoire. He moodily examines his hand_.)

 **ALGERNON:** Real - blast, reality's no fun. Living's too droll to carry on so.

( _A knock comes at the door._ **ALGERNON** _Forgets his hand and wretched appearance._ )

 **ALGERNON:** Come in.

( **CECILY** _enters, quite cheerful_.)

 **CECILY:** Goodness! I didn't know you were so romantic as this! Really, darling, you could've kept your appearance up and it still would have turned out fine.

 **ALGERNON: (** _Cheerfully_ ) Oh, do you forgive me already? I'm quite unrepentant though.

 **CECILY:** ( _Laughing_ ) Of course, one should never throw a fit and really mean it. It's quite uncomfortable and a bit dull, you know. Yes, dear, I'll forgive you, but only if you're really still the same as ever.

 **ALGERNON:** Yes, I suppose I am. I don't think I was ever really that way to begin with.

 **CECILY:** ( _Opening the door._ ) Well, we best be off. The ceremony starts in a half-hour and we need to be fully distracted by then if we are to properly miss it. Your aunt has been too supportive of late for any of this to end well as it is. Aren't you coming?

 **ALGERNON:** ( _Getting up to retrieve his collar_ ) I wholeheartedly agree. Nothing could end well with so much approval. (CECILY exits ahead of him as he catches sight of himself in the mirror) Nothing...

 **CECILY:** ( _Calling from offstage_ ) Please do hurry, Ernest darling, time isn't going to kill itself.

( **ALGERNON** _makes no answer, but remains watching the mirror as the stage grows dark and the curtain is eventually drawn._ )

* * *

( **A/N:** I wrote a paper this past semester on the different layers of Dandyism in _The Importance of Being Earnest_ , with a main focus of the pre-existing analysis of Dandyism as an aesthetic form of nihilism. There's a lot of lofty, obscure, and poorly written symbolism in here, but I'll let you figure them out on your own. This was for the "Down to the Foundations" prompt for week 1 of [Twelve Shots of Summer] '17. I was mostly thinking about the fact that Algernon acts the way he does to mess with people, but Cecily is just straight up insane. I didn't see the relationship ending well, especially since Algernon would still have to change his name to Ernest in order for Cecily to ever accept him. It's just a mess, and I feel rather sorry for him.)


End file.
